Recognize and Avoid Self-Sabotage
One of the finest feelings is that state of satisfaction that accompanies accomplishment.
The feeling of pride you experience when you’ve managed to cross off those items on your “to do” list is amazingly rewarding. But that having been said, why, do you suppose, do people not strive to replicate that feeling on a more regular basis? Why do they settle for mediocrity and procrastination when accomplishment, and moreover, the fantastic feeling that goes hand-in-hand with it, is reasonably in reach?
The truth lies in a wise old saying: “We are our own worst enemies.” For some reason we sabotage our own success and enjoyment, settling instead for a life of uncertainty and only marginal happiness. Make no mistake though, people want things to change. They want more out of life but they convince themselves that they are not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or rich enough. Success and happiness, “they say”, is reserved for the few, the lucky.
This is hogwash! Success and the happiness that accompanies it, is accessible to everyone, but first we have to “get out of our own way.” We have to allow it to happen by eliminating self-sabotaging actions and beliefs and replace them with clearer objectives through which success can be achieved. The first step is to recognize the various forms of self-sabotage. Here are a few, recognize any?
1. Procrastination
In simple terms, procrastination is putting things—things that could be reasonably accomplished now—off until another time. For example, a high school senior who says she will start college in the fall is not procrastinating, but the person out of high school—the one lying around the house with goals that are undefined—is procrastinating. The problem is that this “other time” is rarely measurable. People say, “I’ll get to that tomorrow,” but when tomorrow comes they repeat the mantra and the process.
This procrastination is a major roadblock on the road to success. Many continue to put things off for years with the notion that another time may be more suitable. They wait and wait only to find out that the “more suitable” time never comes.
Make a list of the things you really want with clearly defined objectives on how you plan to achieve them. Most importantly, give each objective a timeline and stick to it. Even on the days you “don’t feel like it,” do it anyway. You’ll be happy you did. It sounds cliché, but there really is “no better time than the present.”
2. “I’m Not ______________ Enough” (Smart, Good, Talented, Pretty)
Believe it or not, rocket scientists were not born rocket scientists. They worked extremely hard to achieve their positions. If they are happy as a result of their success, being smart had very little to do with that happiness. They had a goal in mind, one that matched their abilities and interests, and they pursued it. They didn’t allow doubt and the occasional setback define who they were.
If you think about it, inferiority—feeling as if you are somehow beneath another person—is truly imaginary.
Allowing setbacks to act as permanent barriers to success is detrimental and wholly unnecessary. Just ask Michael Jordan. The man many consider to be the greatest basketball player in the history of the game, Michael Jordan, was cut by his high school basketball team. Some coach at a North Carolina high school believed he was not good enough, and sent him on his way. The rest of the story is so famous that I need not repeat it, but you probably see my point. Through hard work and an unshakeable belief in his own ability—his own dream—he was able to overcome an obstacle that, for some, would have stopped them in their tracks.
You can achieve anything you want if you are truly committed to it. Eliminate self-sabotaging beliefs and turn setbacks into opportunities to grow.
3. What will people think?
On a recent trip to the mall, I happened upon a mother and her very young daughter who were picking out clothes for a teddy bear they had purchased. Yes, strange as it sounds, I said teddy bear. Anyway, the young girl had selected a certain dress she really liked and I overheard her mother say, “Not that one honey. What will people think? It doesn’t match your room.” Naturally, the girl began to sob, but the mother did not relent. Now I know I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but I couldn’t help wondering why this mother would deny her child the happiness of choosing the teddy bear clothes she really wanted, based on some ridiculous and erroneous notion of what others might think. Certainly the girl’s happiness—which will in turn create more happiness in the mother’s life—is more important than the way she might be perceived. Isn’t it?
When we allow thoughts and perceptions, such as those described, impede our path to happiness and success, it may be time to evaluate what is truly important. If you are acting in a positive and healthy manner, trying to improve your life and the life of your family, how could it possibly matter what others may think? The truth is that most people are far too concerned about themselves, and the way they are perceived by others, to even notice what you are doing. If you act according to your dreams, the people who really matter in this life will support you, and that, after all, is the only thing that matters.
Failure to Act = Failure to Succeed
Don’t worry about what others will think. That statement has become has almost cliché, an old standby for motivation, but how many people actually live by that motto? Ask yourself, how many actions have you failed to take in your life, fearing what other people may think? My guess is there are quite a few, probably too many to count. You’re not alone though, many of us have missed great opportunities fretting over how we might be perceived. We get so wrapped up in every possible negative scenario that we fail to see the obvious “silver lining” in things. For some reason, not acting feels safer than the alternative. Later, we lament to anyone in earshot, about how stagnant our lives have become and about all our lost opportunities. It’s an awful cycle but one that can become habitual very easily.
Fear of the way we are perceived can be a major impediment to growth. Many of us become paralyzed from taking action because we’re afraid of the way it will look to others, but this paralysis is completely unwarranted. The majority of people—those same people we worry about—are far too concerned about themselves and their own issues to even notice what we’re doing. If you think about it, concern over the way we are perceived is rather egotistical. It is none of our business what other people think about us.
Now there are people who care about you, and thus have a vested stake in the decisions you make, but why in the world would you worry about their perceptions? They are the people who want you to succeed and will unfailingly root for you regardless of the outcome of the decisions you make. They are your support team, people who will be there for you through good and bad. Count yourself lucky for having them in your corner. The rest of the world, however, is too wrapped up in their own daily grind to have time to ponder yours.
I have been guilty of inaction in the past, agonizing on the way it may look to others. Sadly, that is time I can never get back, but hopefully, by sharing this epiphany with you, I can at least make it count for something. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably agree that at least 95% of the thoughts you entertain are of a self-centered nature.
We think about ourselves, and that is perfectly normal. The remainder of our thoughts is probably spent worrying or celebrating the ones we love. But how much time do you spend thinking about “John Doe’s” life? The answer is probably none, except for how John Doe’s life may effect your own or your loved ones. That being said, why would you assume that John Doe has time to pine over you?
He doesn’t. Isn’t that a tremendous relief? His only thoughts, in regard to your life, are how your success or failure will impact him.
Take a talented ballplayer, just up from college, an absolute star in his collegiate days. In his first year at the Major League level, he finds himself on the bench, playing second fiddle to a perennial all-star. This doesn’t sit well with him at all. He is accustomed to being the star, and his new role of bench warmer is not exactly what he had envisioned. He wants to secure the starting position, but he’s hampered by thoughts of how the fans will take it.
Does he want this all-star—his competition—to fail? Probably, but not because he dislikes him. His only thought is how that failure may positively benefit him. Now I’m not saying this is a healthy way to think, but I will say it’s natural. But here’s why I brought that up: If you decide not to act towards growth and excellence in your life, there will always be someone else who has figured out it’s best to act. Your inaction could be just what John Doe was waiting for.
Planning and preparation are important tools for success, but they are worthless if we fail to act when given the opportunity. The people we recognize as great, the ones we admire, are the ones that made a decision to act, some in the face of great public scrutiny. When the astronomer Copernicus tried to convince the world that the earth revolved around the sun, his views met with grave debate from a scientific community that believed the opposite. But he was right, and the rest is history. But what if he would have been wrong? Okay, so he was wrong. What did he really lose by deciding to act on his theory? He’d still be the same old Copernicus. His decision to act, though, changed not only his own life, but the world’s.
The only negative thing that can happen as a result of a new decision is that it may not quite work out the way you had imagined. But what have you really lost? The worst case scenario is that you’ll be back to square one, ready to make another decision and act upon it. Believe me, there is a not a swarm of people stroking their moustache, ready to pass judgment or belittle you. You’re not that important to them, and they just don’t have time!
